So once again, my ovaries are being bratty and rebellious and even now, on our Hail Mary, just-about-to-start-BCPs last month, they are letting me down.
Sigh.
They really should have been held back a grade in school. They’re obviously not mature enough to keep up with their peers. I was expecting to ovulate around CD16, and in the last few years, that’s been as good as it gets.
But every once in a while (and this month is one of those whiles) they decide to sneak out late at night to drink cheap beer in front of 7-Eleven. They hang out with their loser friends and compare MySpace pages (OMG! I have like 14,000 friends! And most of them have screen names like BigBear1965 and LatinLova4u and Chadrulez) and talk about how Haylie Duff is like totally riding Hilary’s coattails (like totally!) and they lose sight of the fact that they are not doing their jobs.
Here it is today CD16, and the OPK has yet to turn positive.
The only upside is that this really is the last month we’ll be going through this. This temperature-taking, stick-peeing, sex-demanding drill.
So at least I got that going for me, right?
In other news:
If they gave grades for IVF preparedness, I would be flunking out, big time. Like if they had Academic Probation at IVF U, I would be on it.
I started to write about this last week, and then changed my mind. It’s hard for me to clearly communicate my feelings around this subject, and also? I was way too busy cracking myself up thinking of Napoleon Dynamite quotes ("Knock it off, Napoleon! Just make yourself a dang quesa-dilluh!" I mean COME ON. That is some A material there!).
Anyhoosers, I did have a point somewhere in there. Oh yeah! I am not being a diligent, well-prepared IVF patient.
Case in point:
Did I realize I only had to take one pack of BCPs? No. We’ve already established that sad fact.
Do I know my most recent antral follicle count? Mmmmmm…somewhere between 3 and 47 frillion, I’m pretty sure.
What was my estradiol? Oh! I know this one! An ELEVEN…on the DIAL…get it?
I thought (hoped) Medrol was a gift certificate for happy hour at the local Middle Eastern restaurant.
PGD? I do know what that is, I know it’s FRICKING expensive, but have we talked about whether or not we’re doing it? Errrrr….no.
ICSI? Whatsi?
I had an absolutely delightful conversation with the fabulous and super nice Faith yesterday. We live close to one another and are seeing the same doctor.
It was wonderful to talk to her about her upcoming cycle, and she was so supportive it makes me grateful to have met her, at least on-line and over the phone.
She is a model patient. She has done her research and knows a crapload about all things IVF-related. She is prepared and her own best advocate, which is ideal when undergoing any major medical treatment.
I am like the stoned surfer who sits in the back of chemistry class having acid flashbacks waiting for lunch so I can light up a joint under the bleachers.
I’m tired, people. And I know that now, just as we’re starting our first cycle, is not the time to be lax.
But I’m exhausted. After four years of this I’m just burned out. And I know those of you who are IVF vets want to crawl through the DSL fiber optic whatevers and smack me, followed by a resounding, "you ain’t seen nothin’ yet sucka."
I got all of my test results back and so far, so good. But do I know the details, the numbers or any of the specifics? Ummmmmm [squirms uncomfortably and looks down] no. I’m just kind of skating along until I get my cycle on the calendar and then I’ll pay attention to the protocol and for sure be on top of the whole shot thing and pill thing.
But I just can’t seem to do any more research about numbers or protocols or statistics. I am a lazy ass, I guess is what I’m trying to say. I believe in being prepared and being your own advocate, and I’ve been doing this since we started trying.
So why now, of all times, is my normally over-achievery personality failing me?
Maybe because this has been a whole lot of hurry-up-and-wait, as I was hoping to start cycling in November, but then Dr. Z wanted me to try the Metformin for three months first? Maybe because it all seems so overwhelming and last-chancy that I’m in denial?
Oy.
I feel like I have Senior year spring fever, only I’m really just an inexperienced Freshman.
But meet me under the bleachers at lunch and we’ll talk more about it and compare our MySpace pages…like totally!
Love the Napoleon Dynamite quotes, Gosh (in the best ND voice I can do). Don’t ask how many times I have seen that movie.
We are not doing IVF (doing IUI) so I don’t know all the numbers that you have to keep track of but now I’m scared. haha
Keep your head up, thanks for the laughs!
-Deb
I just found your blog. So glad I did… it is hilarious, and now one of my favorites. Hope you don’t mind that I linked you?
I caught you a delicious bass.
Wanna play me?
Good lord, why haven’t I been reading you for longer??????? In addition to PB, I quote ND often. Actually, it’s the best way to diffuse a fight between J and I – scream “Gosh!” and stomp off.
So here’s the real deal – it doesn’t matter if you know shit about IVF. Because your doctor does. They give you a handy schedule to tell you how many meds to take and on what day. And if that’s not enough, they’ll CALL you and tell you how much to take.
My first IVF cycle I knew nothing. I know my E2 levels at the time of trigger only because my RE warned me that they were high which put me at risk of OHSS.
So. I’m just saying. You don’t really need to know anything.
So you can spend your time practicing your sweet dance moves. And not feel bad about it. 🙂
*disclaimer – I am not actually pregnant. But even if I HAD known all my E2 levels, number of follicles (and size), and my lining thickness on each ultrasound day, I STILL would not have gotten pregnant.*
So screw knowledge.
**Not that I’m JUDGING knowledgeable people or anything. I’m just saying that it wouldn’t have helped ME in getting pregnant.**
First of all, thank you for making me laugh…I need this in my sleep deprive days!! I know it is overwhelming…there are so many things to remember and know. Once you are in the cycle and doing everything, you will forget all your fears, for some reason you just do it. So hang in there.
well, i everything about getting pg…and well i’m not.
knowledge isn’t everything. i agree with serenity.
maybe you should get stoned. now that’d be some IVF protocol.
You are too funny! I agree with serenity… knowledge isn’t everything, and in fact, sometimes it’s too much.
This post should have come with a disclaimer waring potential readers to empty their bladders before scrolling on. Now I have to go change my pants. Shame on you.
Your blog needs to come with a disclaimer that it *may* cause laughter and if my chance you have just had an ERCP or any kind of surgery for that matter and it hurts to laugh, perhaps you shouldn’t read it. I think that would be the considerate thing to do.
You don’t want to know too much, that way you won’t feel like the thousands and thousands of dollars you will spend for IVF will be a waste. Really, you wouldn’t want to spend all that money just to have someone retrive some eggs, right? It sounds like you and Faith have a great RE, so let him do his thing and you write about it!
UGH! Beer-swilling, sneaking-out-late-at-night ovaries. I hear ya, sister. Sorry the “last hurrah” before the IVF isn’t “hurrah-ing” yet–but you never know, right? I don’t have any advice about preparing for the cycle, but I can sympathize with not being that into it yet. It’s scary and new, but I’m sure that once you get rolling you’ll get more into it and things will fall into place. I have the utmost faith in you, Watson!
I’m lax with numbers, too. Don’t worry – we just have loftier things to think about. Right?
Bea
The comment worked! The comment worked!
Oh Watson, how I’ve missed being able to comment on your blog! Amongst others.
Bea
Yup- you’re just frigging hilarious….
Eleven! Bwahahahahahah.
I’m sorry about the misbehaving ovaries (girls? You get back in there right now and do your duty!). I’m sorry about the burn-out, and the last-chancery, and just, well, everything.
But you’ve kept your sense of humour, right? That’s good. That’s great. For us, your devoted readers, at least.
ok, so I was having a crappy shitty day and then I found you (and I am so sorry for being late and lax…never a good combination) and now I feel so much better. No, not because you’re not prepared for IVF (which you ARE!!!) but because you give me back my perspective, you don’t drown the hope. You let me GHEESH, go with it.
I am 3 1/2 yrs in and I know just how you feel. I mean how much stuff am I suppossed to know about my body??? Or your’s for god’s sake (hahh)
I know you’ll be just fine. I will watching your progress with much interest and standing here holding your hand in cyberspace if you need me.
*hugs*
Kir
Long time IVf’er here to say…I’m not gonna’ smack you. I’ve done IVF almost as many times as I’ve taken driving tests now, and I haven’t a CLUE what my estradiol numbers are. FSH, as far as I’m concerned, refers to something pescetarian. Antral follicles? Count them? Me? Why, the nurse’s hands are broken? You can go through all of this and not have all the answers, and that’s just fine.
But, you know, I am a long time unsuccessful IVF’er, so maybe I’m not the BEST person to give advice or anything.
“Napoleon, don’t be jealous that I’ve been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I’m training to be a cage fighter.”
Hahahaahhahhaaaahaaaaa! You are just one of the most awesome people to read. You take your everyday life and make it into something hilarious, whereas I just pout and yell random swear words.
Don’t worry if you know nothing about your IVF stuff – you’re shelling out that truckload of cash for the doctor and staff to know FOR you!
Yours is the only blog that can makes me laugh out loud on a regular basis. (That’s meant to be a sincere compliment – not in a backhanded wow you’re life makes me laugh kinda a way.) 🙂 You are a great writer. I hope that the treatment stuff starts clicking for you.
Eleven. Heh heh.
I’ll just echo everyone else and say it’s really okay if you don’t know every tiny detail. For me, knowing that stuff made me feel more in control (I have, um, control issues), but honestly, the blogworld gives you a completely skewed perspective on what the “average” IF patient is like. I think MOST people sit back and trust their doctors to do the heavy lifting. Frankly, it’s probably better to do that than to be only partially informed and freaking out unnecessarily.
Not that I’m saying that being your own best advocate is a BAD thing, only that you’re not a bad patient if you don’t obsess over every detail. Hell, you might even be the saner for it.
Snickering in my living room while I read this–you’re really funny Watson. I love reading your entries.
I think sometimes being the burned out stoner in the back can be a good thing. The burned out stoner? Never stressed out. Straight-A student at the front of the class? Basketcase.
You are like a kid who spent 4 years working hard in school, then just never graduated and found yourself in special school with stricter requirements, higher tuition, and ambiguous graduation dates.
That sounds like no fun at all.
Well, I hope your ovaries fall into line soon.
And if not, it’s totally okay not to know all those numbers. As others have said, it’s probably even better – a lot less to stress about that way!