Okay.
So it’s been a while since we’ve had a little chat about my Lady Business.
And I know you’ve just been sitting around, in those moments when you really have nothing going on, and wondering to yourself, “Self, what on EARTH is happening in and around Watson’s Girly Bits these days? Hmmmmm…must remember to e-mail and inquire.” Except then you get all busy again and your e-mail to me falls farther and farther down your To-Do list.
And I forgive you. Because I have a big heart like that.
And I wouldn’t want your concern for me and my bits to get the better of you, you know, keep you up at night and such. So let’s have a little chat. Especially my fellow c-section twin Mommies, seriously crack those knuckles gals, as if you’re about to give a piano recital, and GET TO TYPIN’.
Momma wants some comments, chickens.
Remember those posts during my pregnancy (also know as The Time I Swelled Up Like Free Willy) when I was totally freaked out about the state of the flippy flaps? Well, you’ll be happy to know that they did, in fact, pretty much shrink back to a fairly normal size since having the babies. I know! One less thing keeping you up at night, am I right?
BUT.
I have an issue. A major issue. And I’m not quite sure how to explain it.
Let me try to draw you a picture: So I did, in fact, gain about a million pounds. Some of it was carrying two fairly giant babies. (Not GIANT giant, like I was gestating two baby elephants, but you know what I mean.) Some of it was the liver problem that caused me to gain a pound of water A DAY towards the end of the pregnancy. And some of it was due to the chocolate milkshakes I drank to ease the heartburn. But my point IS my stomach expanded to an unruly and completely terrifying girth.
And then I had the c-section and lost close to 50 pounds in about two weeks. So my skin was stretched out and then snapped back, like a huge, fleshy stretch mark-covered rubber band. (God help you if you’re unlucky enough to be reading this post during your lunch break!)
So annnnyyyywaaaaay….I now have this…this…section of skin that sits a lot lower than it should. My lower abdominal flesh is, well, sort of saggy. SUPER saggy, you might say. In a very Golden Girls kind of way. Not that I’ve seen any of the Golden Girls without their panties and I don’t mean any disrespect to Estelle Getty, was she the one who just died? God rest her soul.
But what I’m trying to tell you is there is this…ummmmm…an overhang, if you will. At certain times it looks remarkably like an awning. Like a beige and pink striped awning. (Thanks for nothing stretch marks!) Sometimes I imagine it IS an awning, like at a cute little French sidewalk cafe. And I imagine under this awning there are attractive young couples drinking black coffee and discussing politics and the chic new First Lady and her scandalous past and planning their next trip to the French countryside for wine tasting and I imagine it could be called ‘Girl Parts Adjacent’ (because that’s CLASSY right??) and then I’m all GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF YOU FREAKING NUT BALL.
So here are my questions: If I lose the rest of the baby weight will this ever go back to its rightful place? Will the overhang magically disappear? Is this a result of gaining so much weight, the c-section or both? (Well, I already know the answer to that.)
I guess I’m wondering if anyone else out there has been a victim of the Golden Girls Attack of the Droopy Flesh Monster? Will the dreadful stretch marks ever fade? Am I destined to have a flippy flap cover my flippy flaps, practically ensuring that I would need to MapQuest my AREA should BeBop ever want to locate it?
Sort of like this, only without the lights because they would get all caught in my pubes and could be a fire hazard and okay, I’ll stop.
I don’t know WHY I’m the only person who talks about this stuff, really. I have no shame. No shame at all.
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