Whine And Cheese, My Specialty!

So BlogHer 2008 was a bust.

For me, that is. Everyone else seemed to have a fabulous time.

I managed to come down with a terrible summer cold and miss almost all of the festivities.

I was planning on going for the whole day on Saturday. No kids, no husband. Weeeeeeee! I must have registered months ago, and if I wasn’t such a ‘tard I would have figured out how to put that “I’m going to BlogHer 2008” button on my sidebar like forever ago.  That’s how excited I was.

But I missed almost the whole goddamn thing. The opening session, lunch, the panel discussions, the book signings, even meeting up with the Marvelous Mel*.

I MISSED IT ALL.

With BeBop’s urging (and by ‘urging’ I mean he basically dragged my snuffly ass out of bed and MADE me go) I got up Saturday morning and after about three hours of ingesting various forms of cold medicine (helpful hint:  friends don’t let friends take seventy frillion different kinds of cold medicine) I drove myself to the nearest BART station and blew my nose for thirty straight minutes on the ride up to San Francisco.

After navigating the busy streets of the city (where did all these people come from? I asked myself. And why are they ALL going to DSW Shoe Warehouse??), I stumbled into the hotel and was soon overcome with a fever, copious amounts of perspiration that led to the dreaded BOOB SWEAT, a sneezing fit, frizzy hair and the horrifying realization that

1) everyone there looked totally cute and well-put-together; 2) everyone had totally cute haircuts; 3) I had neither of these things going for me. 

And I knew no one.  I was completely, utterly, ALONE. [cue sad music]

So I…of course…being the confident and self-assured woman that I am…went to hide in the bathroom for ten minutes and tried to pull myself together before the afternoon session about monetizing your blog. 

I’m sure the session was informative.  I am GUESSING it was informative because I was so hot and cold and sweaty and freezing and snot-producing and worried I might run out of Kleenex that I was far too distracted to really pay attention. 

I tried to write down the most interesting facts and here, direct from my astonishingly accurate and detailed note-taking, is the extent of my newfound knowledge about earning money through blogging:

* cost per click? find out what that means

* cost per aqu acqui acquition acquisition?

* what the fuck?

* must research affiliate networks (what r they?)

* what the fuckity fuck fuck?

* people say ‘do u know what i mean’ all the time.  Must be hip thing to say.  Must remem. to say more often

* moderator  = awesome hair.  How can I have cute haircut like that?  Have v. straight hair.  Like straw.  Must research perms:  do people still get them in 2008?

So, yes.  Well worth the schlepping as you can see. I did not get to meet any of the awesome women who attended, nor did I get to stalk follow around try to get a photo with hear Heather speak at the closing session.

And did I get to hand out any of the kicky new business cards I had printed up, just for this occasion?  WHY NO, but thank you for asking.  And why, might you ask, did I have business cards printed up for this occasion? 

BECAUSE THEY TOLD ME TO.

As BeBop always says, I have an unnatural (and very disturbing) sense of respect for authority figures. And the kind folks at BlogHer suggested that I bring business cards and so that’s what I did.  Forked over about $30 just to get some cards printed that I toted up to the city and right back home again. And now they are shoved into my underwear drawer in the hopes my family doesn’t stumble upon them and ask what this blogging business is all about?

And guess what else? I hurt my foot. As in, I hurt the tendony part on the bottom and limped all the way back down to the BART station, through the throngs of people pushing their way into the Shoe Warehouse and my foot hurt so badly I didn’t even go in to see if there was an awesome shoe sale underway. Now that’s real pain.  And how did I hurt my foot?  Running up two flights of stairs to get my swag bag?  Or racing to the assigned room to get a great seat?  Why, no.

I hurt my foot…sitting.  Yes, you read that correctly.  SIT. TING.  In a chair.  Honestly, what kind of a lame ass hurts her foot sitting in a chair for an hour and a half?  (Don’t answer that.)

To be frank, I thought I’d spend the day meeting fabulous women and I’d try to get them to like me and also convince them that I was as cool as they were, only with much less attractive hair, and it would be just like junior high all over again only this time with business cards.

I was also hoping I’d run into someone in the bathroom who would take a sneaky peek at my name tag and remark, “Why YOU’RE Watson? Of My Dear Watson??  I read your blog all the time!”

Now that was clearly the cold medicine talking, people.

I wanted to hear Mel’s panel and raise my hand during Q&A to — under the guise of asking a relevant question — really make a comment.  You know how people do that?  And how frigging annoying it is?  YEAH. I wanted to do THAT!

But sadly, it was not meant to be. This damn cold kicked my ass and then came back for more.

Now I’m left, bereft and alone, to blow my nose, contemplate what to do with 200 business cards, re-read my notes and try to figure out what SCO MOZ means, wait for next year and, generally, just wallow in self-pity and regret.

Do you know what I mean?

*Ah, people? Did you know that our dear, sweet and totally awesome Mel is like a comic book hero now? Did she tell you about this?  How BlogHer put together this incredibly well-written and illustrated little booklet that highlighted a few bloggers, sort of the Super Heroes (Heroines!) of the Blogosphere and each one got their own cartoon character super hero drawing to go along with her profile.  YAY MEL!!