And that was ME, not the babies, of course!
So that didn’t work out so well…THAT being the Lexapro, which seems to have brought on the World’s Most Severe Migraine.
I didn’t just have a migraine, people, that migraine HAD ME!
Why didn’t you warn me?!?
Oh yeah, right. I begged asked you not to. Silly me.
After a few days on the lowest dose, I came down with this awful migraine, complete with vomiting…and… OHLORD the vomiting. It lasted all night and into the next morning when BeBop had to place an emergency call to my Mother, who rushed over to help me feed the babies since he had to get to work.
It was terrible. It was baby-throwing-in-the-Boppy-so-I-could-run-to-the-bathroom-and-dry-heave awful.
So onto my next plan, which is to see a real live psychiatrist, instead of the nurse practitioner, and investigate a whole range of options, since I seem to have a hard time ingesting these meds. (Did I tell you I started Effexor a few weeks ago and that also made me really sick?)
But, I am feeling better. Whether it’s a few days on the ‘Pro or a coinkydink or some placebo effect, I haven’t had the daily anxiety that plagued me for months. So I feel like I have some time to check out different options and come up with a plan.
In the meantime, the babies are doing great. At 9 & 1/2 weeks (MYYYYYY how time flies when you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown!) they weigh the exact same, 10 pounds, 11 ounces.
I take the 2:00 AM feeding and BeBop does the next one around 6:00 and then heads off to work. I wake up and try to down a cup of coffee before they get up and then I do the 10:00 AM feeding which is followed by play time.
We listen to music and they sit under this jungle-themed contraption with music and lights and Jackson loves the hell out of this thing, but it’s a bit much for my little Peanut. She prefers to ‘read’ with Mommy which entails me showing her pages from one of those newborn baby books with the black and white images and reading some of the most inane words ever put to paper: Did you feed the baby? YES! I fed the baby! What a wriggly giggly thing! I usually make up my own words: Mommy has anxiety issues! Does Mommy need a spa getaway? YES! She does need a spa getaway… to make it a little more interesting.
They loooove their swings and so do we. I swear when those suckers run out of batteries I practically have a conniption. Parker has just noticed that while swinging, there is a mirror directly above her head. She stares and stares at herself making little cooing sounds, while I encourage her by lamely repeating "Who’s a pretty girl? Who’s the pretty girl?" over and over again, to both of our delights.
It’s odd to look back over the last couple of months, to see how far we’ve all come. I was so sick and scared when we got home from the hospital, and between the hourly (at least) crying jags and the anxiety, I could barely function.
I am still getting my Mom Legs as I call it — still trying to find my way through this incredible maze. Every day is different, and just as I think I have a routine or a rhythm down, things change and I’m forced to try something new.
The babies are so good, but sometimes we have the Double Baby Meltdown. This usually happens when I’m running late to feed them, which starts with me changing one and putting him/her in the swing and then changing the other one and putting him/her back in the other swing and heating up the bottles and then placing them on the Boppy pillows to eat.
Then begins the three-ring circus known as feeding time when I prop the bottles up and burp one and then the other, a couple of times each, until they’re both finished and then I stare at them, wide-eyed (me, not them), and ask what they want to do next.
If you were to visit, you might very well hear the following yelled from one room to the other: ONE MOMMY, TWO BABIES! ONE MOMMY TWO BABIES! HOLD IT TOGETHER PEOPLE!!!!
This happens when I am busy changing one of my little angels and the other one is losing his or her shit in the other room.
(I am convinced that if either Jax or Parker follows in my footsteps and seeks out any kind of therapy in the future, they will share with the therapist that somewhere, deep in the recesses of their brain, they hear an odd statement over and over again that sounds a lot like "One mommy, two babies" and they don’t exactly know what it means…)
This so does not come easy for me. I like things to be planned out, I like to know what to expect. I prefer to study and prepare and know what’s coming. I like to believe I know what I’m doing. I like to feel competent.
In short, I am ill-suited to this new job I took on a few months ago; I am still woefully unprepared for the promotion from Pregnant Gal to Mom.
But I try my best, each and every day. And I’m grateful, each minute. I still sneak into the nursery and watch them sleep, side by side in the crib. And I stare at these two little miracles and still can’t believe that after everything, they’re here. And that they will be here, with us, for the rest of all of our lives. That the four of us will walk through this world, together. That I’ll help them take their first steps and drop them off at school and one day when her hair grows back get a matching Katie-Suri haircut with Parker and make BeBop teach them to drive and wait up for them at night and, hopefully, be here to see them find partners and have kids of their own if they so choose.
It’s been a crazy, wild journey so far and yet, we’re still at the very beginning.
Oh, I’m so sorry about the vomiting. I had migraines at first too, but they subsided after a pretty short time.
I am “one baby, one mommy,” yet still can’t seem to quite get everything done. (Although, we also have an old and high-maintenance cat, heh.) Sounds like you’re doing great!
Oh. My.Gosh. I looove the “one mommy, two babies” thing. I hear you. Ooooh, do I hear you. SOMEONE is always screaming at our house. Sometimes it is me.
🙂
Hope you get your meds figured out soon and feel well!!
Oy. Sorry about the vomiting. I am about as far from an eating disorder as one can be, but whenever I have the unpleasant experience of having th throw up, I always get on the scale afterwards and see a number I just don’t often see. Of course, it goes away the next day once I eat a normal meal.
Love the “One Mommy, Two Babies” mantra. You go.
I’m in the “One Mommy, One Baby” camp and still am overwhelmed. It sounds like all things considered, you are doing a fantastic job.
I’m glad to see that you didn’t vomit up your sense of humor. Sorry it’s been so rough lately.
sounds like you are doing great. A couple of pieces of assvice?
1. Chris at ‘an accidental housewife’ swore by a kind of bottle which allowed her to simultaneously feed the twins much more easily – I found it for you in her archives, it’s this bottle, here http://podeebottles.co.uk/blog/
2. Why not change them AFTER you feed them? Much less screaming as they’re full and happy then.
First off, sorry about the meds. Hopefully they can find something that will do the trick without rendering you immobile with a migraine!
Second, it may be a little late for this suggestion, but they have new swings (FP) that PLUG IN. I bought one for my new nephew and it is wonderful. I too dreaded the telltale slowing of the swing and the slow mo music and dimming lights… I don’t know why it took so long to come up with this innovation. Unless of coarse the baby product manufacturers are in cahoots with the battery giants…..
Two babies, one Mommy, that too was my mantra. Now that they are 28 months old it is “we must share Mommy”. Hang in there!
Kathy
Hey Chica – so good to hear from you!! I’m so sorry about the meds and the headaches, but hopefully the placebo affect will last and you can avoid any more pain and puking in the future. I know I’m starting to sound like “all talk” but I’m definitely calling you soon to make plans for a visit! January was crazy, but things seem calmer now. Maybe even next weekend?
I love the One Mommy, Two Babies and can definitely imagine a similar saying becoming popular around my house soon.
Take care of yourself!
My DH has been taking antidepressants for anxiety, and he has been on a low dose of lex.apro for a while, and also on another drug called bus.par. It did take a while for him to adjust.
One mommy–two babies, that’s a lot!
You are NOT ill-suited for this job, you are all learning as you go along. You are one mommy with two babies. Things will get easier as they get a bit older.
For what it is worth, zoloft never bothered my stomach, and at one point, I was given prozac to help with migraines. If you can’t get things under control without the drugs, perhaps they are two you can consider.
You are doing great, Watson.
If it helps at all, Zoloft worked well for me with one slight side effect–slight insomnia (I know, not good when you need to sleep). However, it beats vomiting, migraines, etc. Just something to consider when discussing alternate meds.
Hope you find something that works soon
Adrienne
Add me to the “one mommy, two babies” PPD anxiety-medication camp. Mine are slightly older than yours (although weigh less, I’m weary to say) and if I can give some assvice-they do stop screaming before the bottles, as they do start to understand that their butts? They get exposed. Then? They get fed. Mine would scream down the house until I popped the bottles in, but now they sit there like sparrows.
Hang on. Just hang on. You’re doing great.
You are not ill-suited for the job, Watson. No one is prepared for the job of mother. NO ONE, no matter how many nieces, nephews, younger siblings or babysitting gigs they had. You learn as you go along. And yes, just when you feel like you have things figured out, they enter a new stage and you go, “what the hell just happened?!? I thought I had a good handle on this motherhood business!” It slowly gets better, I promise. The fact that you still have your amazing sense of humor is an indication that you are doing great.
I am so sorry about the meds making you sick..it just can’t be easy huh?
Glad to hear that everything else is going well with the babies!! I can’t even imagine how hard it is-I have one and our day is constantly changing!!
Wishing you and the little ones the best in this new journey, with as little puking as possible.
I am a single mother by choice of twin boys who are now 18 months old. I check your blog frequently, and your latest post made me smile. I remember soooo many times when the double baby meltdown made me start to cry and I kept thinking “one mommy, two babies” just as you wrote! Here’s a little trick I used to make me laugh instead of cry: When they both started to melt at the same moment, I said (in my best automated phone system voice): “Thank you for crying. Your cry is important to me. All of the mommy is busy right now, but your cry will be answered in the order in which it was received.” Then, I would hum annoying musak, just like when you are put on hold with an automated phone system. Corny, I know, but it got me through!
Come check out our blog to see what we’re up to!
http://www.twincredibletwosome.blogspot.com
Keep up the great work with your twosome!
-Melissa
Dear Watson – you are SO normal! I’m a mom of now-6-yr-old twins, and I remember those first few months as being mind-blowing and overwhelming. One of my biggest sources of anxiety was the realization that we would now need to be *vigilant* 100% of the time! This new feeling of round-the-clock responsibility was something that I was utterly unprepared for! There is so much to parenting that we can read about to try and prepare (I’m like you – I like to poll my friends for opinions, research as much as I can about what’s going to happen), but ultimately, you don’t know it until you live it. It sounds as if you’re doing great! And all of us moms-of-multiples really know the difference. One of my most important acquired skills as a mom-of-twins has been to NEVER say to my other new mom friends when they were sharing how hard their new mom duties were “Oh, but you have NO IDEA how hard that is with twins,” but I really appreciate all the wonderful comments complimenting me and empathizing with me about the enormity of the task with more than one baby! So keep in mind that you are a Hero! One mommy, two babies! Wow!
Now for some practical comments:
1) get as much help as you can! My husband was finishing law school when the babies were born, and although he could take a lot of time off, I had the same feelings of utter panic when he wasn’t around. We scheduled friends and a nanny to come in so that I was never alone with the babies for more than one hour the first three months. And yes, there were plenty of people who would talk about how being alone with their baby or babies was a piece of cake (including my husband, also a Hero!) but it was always clear to me that everyone is different, and what’s easy for person A isn’t necessarily easy for person B, and that’s that. Screw the tendency to compare and judge – I refused to do it, and so can you!
2) get outside as much as possible. Throw them into a stroller and walk, preferably with a friend who can help out if things get dicey.
3) Great parenting book by Penelope Leach “Your Baby and Child” – very soothing and forgiving of parents. Sweet and very flexible.
Well, that’s it for now; feel free to email me if you’ve got more specific questions.
UGH. The early side effects for some of these meds can be brutal. My A/D (celexa/citalopram) absolutely killed my stomach for the first few months. The indigestion nearly killed me – especially because I was trying to hide it from those around me, if you know what I mean. Ugly (and stinky!), it was.
My fingers are crossed that you will eventually find a med that works without ruining your quality of life in other ways. Sometimes it takes a few tries before they find the right one.
Hmmmm…”the Pregnant Gal to Mother transition”….sounds frightening and incredibly challenging. I am failing at the Infertile to Pregnant Gal transition. If I could only stop panicking that something will go wrong…..
You are clearly doing a great job. The babies are safe and clean and fed. That’s all that really needs to be accomplished right now, right? The reading to Parker – that’s an extra bonus! Don’t be so hard on yourself, my friend!!
XOXO
Yep, you are clearly doing a great job. Those babes look healthy and, hell, they’re damn cute too – and, you’re not looking too shabby either momma (from the looks of the pictures you posted a while back!). So despite the PPD, YOU ARE DOING GREAT!! Glad, though, that you’re sharing your experience with us and candid about PPD. I hope your visit with the doc is spot on and that PPD quickly becomes a thing of the past.
In short, I am ill-suited to this new job I took on a few months ago; I am still woefully unprepared for the promotion from Pregnant Gal to Mom.
I don’t know about you, but all those books I read when I was pregnant? They taught me how to be pregnant. I can totally do pregnancy. None of them taught me how to be a parent. So each day we do the best we can with the skills we have. It’s all anyone can ask of us. “One Mommy. Two babies.” Sounds like you’ve got things far more in hand than you realize.
Also got the PPD (I can’t bear to call it anything else but the initials. Mainly because I am a freak) and have recently started on the Zoloft (I call it Vitamin Z), and it gave me some massive migraines for the first couple of weeks.
Good luck m’dear. I’m thinking about you.