One of the (many) annoying things about this blog is that I don’t write anything for weeks and then come up with a War and Peace-length post that must take you hours to slog through. And for that I am sorry.
(Not sorry enough to get my ass in gear to post more often, but still sorry.)
So in case you had ANY doubts, I am OLD.
OLD OLD OLD, and our recent vacation down to southern California confirmed this sad fact.
On the drive down to Los Angeles, the combination of sitting in the car for hours on end and the oppressive heat was like a Perfect Storm of Water Retention and giant, elephantitus like cankles soon emerged.
I mean, my feet were huge. My ankles HUGER. It was beyond gross.
We had to attend a wedding that evening, and so I waddled around the beautiful garden setting with what looked like flotation devices strapped to my legs. And what confirmed the ‘old’ diagnosis was that I combined this look with FLATS. BALLET FLATS. At a semi-formal wedding.
Not a good look.
I’ve never been a Stiletto kind of girl, but still…FLATS?? At a semi-formal evening wedding? Good grief Charlie Brown. It was hideous.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, for some reason it occurred to me that half the male guests were parading around in ugly Hawaiian-print type short-sleeved shirts.
Not that I was in any position to judge others with my granny get up, but of course I did. "I don’t think it would KILL them to put on a goddamn blazer," I snarled to BeBop just before the ceremony started.
I had become my grandmother…who was all critical and judgmental and swollen-ankley at the end of her life. I am my grandma in the final months of her loooong life.
Delightful.
Other ways I was a complete disaster at the wedding?
During the receiving line (which I hoped thought had died away with the Dollar Dance), a friend of the bride who I had never met said to me, "Oh! Did you bring your kids?"
"Errrrrr, uh…um. Yeah." I said, sort of awkwardly patting my belly. "I pretty much take them wherever I go…" I added oddly.
I don’t know why her question threw me. I guess all that fluid collecting in my lower extremities made my brain malfunction or something.
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Also, I seem to have become somewhat of a prude.
On the long drive down, I was thinking of your helpful advice after my last post, regarding the trimming of the hedges quandary.
"You have a beard trimmer, right?" I asked BeBop out of nowhere.
"Yep."
"Well, would you ever use it to trim my pubes, since I can’t see what’s happening down there?"
"Sure," he said quickly.
Wow, I thought, that was easy.
[Brief pause]
"As long as you’ll shave my balls…." he added.
"Ewwwwwwwwwww" was pretty much all I could say in response.
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Overall, the trip was great, once we got to my sister’s. And my cankles deflated slightly.
I met my adorable nephew Asher for the first time and we just hung out, ate, watched TV, sat by the pool and pretty much did nothing for three glorious days.
My sister organized a small shower/baby blessing for me at a candle-making place in Laguna Beach.
I know! How LA! It was too fun.
The owner led us in a brief ceremony where each of the guests held a bead and said a blessing over it for me and the babies, and then the beads for the baby girl were placed on a necklace and the boy’s beads on a Native American wisdom stick. These are to be placed in the babies’ room.
Then, each of the girls took a candle and wrote her name and number on a small card that was attached. Everyone took her candle and passed it to the guest on her right. When I go into labor, I am to call my sister who will call the friend on her card, and she’ll call the next friend and so on, so there’s this whole group of women who are sending me good energy while I’m having the babies! Cool, huh?
And I know, could I be a more typical Californian??
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After a brief stop in San Diego to visit good friends BeBop and I made our way to Ojai, east of Santa Barbara, for our pre-babies alone time together.
Can I name drop for a moment and tell you that I had my nails done mere FEET (no pun intended) from Jess.ica Al.ba?
OMG, people. She is gorgeous.
There were only the two of us in this little room, and since I was getting a pedicure I was facing her. She was wearing a wide-brimmed hat, which struck me as a little odd. So of course I kept looking at her, trying to figure out who the hell she was.
She was so strikingly beautiful I knew she was a movie star, but honestly I didn’t recognize her at first because she’s even skinnier in person. (The little bitch.)
But the staff were fawning all over her and making arrangements for transportation back to her villa, so I knew she was some kind of a VIP. But I am telling you, she was just beyond strikingly pretty. I had all I could do to refrain from licking, softly brushing my hand against gawking at her creamy, cafe au lait complexion.
The two days there went by far too quickly, and soon enough we were back on the road and the ankles were swelling all over again.
And then I was back at work and we closed on our house and my in-laws came to town for another shower at my Mom’s and my cousin came to town with his wife and new baby who’s the same age as Asher and I threw my sister a make-up shower for the one we canceled when she went on bed rest in April and we’re madly scheduling the repairs that are needed at the house before we move in two weeks and I’m trying to pack and we have two baby classes this weekend and all of a sudden, out of nowhere it seems, I’m 23 weeks along.
23 weeks and Baby A is kicking like mad, but little Baby B (the girl) is usually pretty quiet so I’m freaking out about that but trying to stay calm.
Trying being the operative word here…
And all that is why I have been a terrible blogger and I’ve fallen so far behind on your blogs, and I am trying my best this week to get a grip at work and not have daily panic attacks and read up on the latest with all of you.
(Trying being the operative word here too.)
sounds like a great trip (mostly)! what a neat idea with the candle thingy. and wow, two showers and two baby classes all by 23 weeks? i feel so behind! but i love how things are working in twos for you.
So glad to hear from you. I was starting to get worried.
Also happy that your sense of humour is still in tact. Way to go-23 weeks!!
I don’t even know where to begin commenting!
The bead thing sounds really cool. The beard trimmer is easy and you could do it yourself. Flats at a semi-formal wedding are just fine, besides, they are in style now! I am glad you met your nephew!
Ah heck, he’s just showing off for his little sister. She’s probably just in there shaking her head at him. No worries, she’ll get him back when she’s on the flip side!
YAY for 23 weeks!!!
I’m glad you had a good trip.
Shave his balls – ick! That’s something my husband would say. Still ick. Double ick.
Jessica Alba? COOL!
Dude, I’d take up your hubby on the ball thing. Maybe you’ll get lucky and he won’t make you hold up your end of the bargain. But, I mean, they’re just BALLS, you know? Make him bathe first! haha
I’m 22 weeks and my singleton doesn’t kick much, so I feel your worry. I’m told this is normal.
Good to hear from you!
LOL at your husband.
Good God, Jessica Alba. Did you mention me? Did you ask her to check out Smarshy’s blog? I think she’d really like me. We could be friends. And from there, who knows? Let’s just see how it goes.
Bepop’s ball shave comment gave me a chortle. I rarely chortle. Guffaw, yes. Chortle, not so much.
Actually, I think “I pretty much take them wherever I go” is a brilliant response to that odd and random question.
Re: beard trimmer, yep, it’s easy to do yourself when not pg, a little less so when you can’t actually reach your pubes. You can also buy special trimmers made just for lady parts (I think Lady Remington, maybe?)–they’re pretty cheap, like $25 or something, and narrower than a beard trimmer, with no pointy bits on the comb to poke you in bad ways. Unfortunately, they are also pink, which is apparently required for all female grooming devices.
(gawd, between this and my last comment, I apparently have SO MUCH to say about pube trimming. how embarrassing.)
Watson, as always, you are hilarious. Thanks for lifting my spirits with your fun post.
So, how skinny is that little starlet? I mean, could one of your twins pretty much kick her puny ass, even at only 23 weeks? I bet they both could.
yea 23 weeks! nice job, watson.
I’m with Smarsh on the Chortle. Actually it was a sniggering chortle. You are a riot.
Great post….even if it was longer than War & Peace.
I’m so glad you updated. I always love to hear your side of things.
So you came down to my neck of the woods? I love SD, I’m assuming you came during ComicCon which is when a lot of celeb’s are down here.
So glad you are well and moving right along.
Thank you for your kind words, I truly appreciate it. Thank you
I’ve not heard about the candle or bead ceremonies. I would soooo love to know more about the California way to go about the baby thing. 🙂
I’d love to bring some California to Georgia!
I LOVED the “take them with me wherever I go…” comment. So darned funny! I’m going to have to steal it! It is so weird what comes out of your mouth unexpectedly as a pregnant lady, isn’t it? It’s like the controls between mouth and brain get zapped the minute you are PG.
Amazing post! I loved it!
BTW, with my twins, my son was on the left and my daughter was transverse, behind him, so I kept thinking that only one was kicking, when actually all the feet were in the same place… I remember worrying about it endlessly. That was the un-fun part of being pregnant with twins.
I like the “I take them with me” comment too. it’s sweet, true, and gives you an excuse to eat more!
I bet baby A is just very bossy and daring baby b to “cross this line.” Maybe you should start chanting feminist statments to baby b??
(i bet they’re both just fine…although, i know i’d be worried, needlessly, too.)
OMG, LOVED YOUR POST! Yes, it sounded so L.A. and California. (I live in friggin’ OHIO, so it was just fabulous reading for me.) The poolside bonding, candles and the going-into-labor phone tree, the hopping from beautiful city to beautiful city. *sigh*
Then you mentioned Jessica Alba, and my heart stopped. Wow! My hubs just bought me a ton of magazines (10 to be exact, he is just fabulous I know) and she’s on the cover of Cosmo!
So happy to hear you and the babies are well, take care!
23 weeks is great. I had one busy one and one quiet one at first – about at your stage. but now the ‘quiet’ one is just as busy, so no worries.
Were you at the Ojai Spa? oooh, I love that place. I was there in February with some girlfriends – yum!
Hilarious! I *loved* the balls comment.
If someone can post on your blog for you when you go into labor, I will say any incantation you want to make sure everything goes well.
There’s simply no excuse for Hawaiin shirts at a wedding. There just isn’t!
23 weeks, YIPPEE!! I am just glad all is well in Watson land. Been thinking of you so much and of course sending lots of good East Coast vibes to you ….
*hug*