Or, How I Put the Blue in Clearblue Easy…
So today is CD 30 and my BBT dropped this morning, so I’m pretty sure the second IUI didn’t work. Plus, despite my intuition screaming "Noooo, don’t do it!" I have taken a couple of HPTs over the last two days. I used to think the regular tests, with the two windows to compare, were hard to take. Every month, hoping against hope, if my period was one day late I’d rush to take a test. And every month, for the last seventeen gajillion months, I have seen that stark white window glaring back at me. The drama queen in me would wail, "the blank white canvas, just so empty, just like my SOUL…" and on and on. But truthfully, that bright white, open space on the stick always did feel like a kick in the teeth.
But that was nothing compared to the harsh reality of the stick that actually spells it out for you.
NOT PREGNANT, it reads.
YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT, IDIOT. WHAT? YOU ACTUALLY THOUGHT THIS MONTH WOULD BE ANY DIFFERENT? YOU INSUFFERABLE FOOL. (Insert maniacal laugh here.)
Wow. To see those words displayed so prominently just affected me so much more than the clear window.
Over the last two months, I have been more hopeful. I’ve tried to stay positive, repeating my MSGWH mantra: maybe something good will happen. I considered the first IUI our trial run. I wanted to see how I did on the clomid, since it’s been a couple of years since I last took it. And we’d never done an IUI, so I wanted to see how the whole process worked. So, last month was our trial run, which I kept telling myself wouldn’t work. So when it didn’t, I guess I wasn’t that depressed. I had prepared myself for the negative test result.
This month, I started the whole process over again with a renewed sense of optimism. I had to, or I couldn’t face it. BeBop and I kept saying "maybe something good will happen," as a way of tapping into that vein of hope that is so hard to find sometimes.
Knowing that it didn’t work – again – is just exhausting. It’s like gearing up to run a really long race after you just performed poorly in one. (Not that I would know from personal experience. I’m just trying to paint a picture here, people.)
Onward and upward I guess. So begins Month Three…actually, it’s more like Month Forty-three, but who’s counting, right??
Speak Your Mind