You know it’s hard out here for a pimp pregnant gal…
But thanks in large part to all of you, I’m feeling better. I did have a minor breakdown after the appointment, followed by much crying, self-pitying and overall carrying on, but I feel better now.
I think both of the twins are fine. I am not worried enough to do the amnio. I’m going into the heart scan next week with a Hail Mary, let’s see a miracle and have that annoying ICEF GONE attitude. And if that doesn’t happen, I’ll see what that doctor says. If he or she manages to scare the crap out of me – again – maybe I’ll change my mind and decide that I am so nervous, an amnio might provide some much-needed reassurance.
Unless, of course, it doesn’t…and then I’m RUHLLY screwed.
But one step at a time.
BeBop has had it with both Drs. Unintelligible. I think I’ve just been poked and prodded by so many different docs over the last five years, I don’t expect a lot in terms of bedside manner. He was distraught by their lack of concern or comfort.
"Maybe they’ve seen that ICEF a million times in their careers," he said. "Or maybe they’ve seen it a million times THAT DAY, but that was scary and horrible for us and they were total assholes."
He was grateful Dr. Viola! came out to give us further explanation and share that "Zee Dr. Irish/Scottish Brogue probableee suggested zee amnio because he has to, uh….cover his ass," but BeBop was totally offended that Dr. I/SB didn’t talk to us himself after confirming the presence of the spot. He barely offered up any information, other than the dreaded ‘soft marker’ phrase, before leaving the room.
So BeBop would like me to find another office should we continue to do the monthly ultrasounds, and so I’ve asked my regular Ob Gyn for a different recommendation. And I also asked him if he agrees that I should be getting these monthly scans. (I haven’t heard back yet.) He has just listened with the doppler and when he hears the two heartbeats, it’s buh-bye sucka, see ya in one month.
I’m such a frickin’ whiner. I used to WANT the frequent ultrasounds. I complained incessantly about how with Dr. Z I was monitored so closely through the cycle I knew exactly what was going on. And the same was true for all of the clomid and the clomid/IUI cycles too. But now, once pregnant and back with a regular doctor, I don’t get the same level of monitoring.
When someone asks me, "how are the babies are doing?" I usually stare, open-mouthed like a recently caught trout and practically scream, "I DON’T KNOW what’s going on in there!! I HAVE NO IDEA!" And they stare back at me and regret asking in the first place and slowly back away in case I started wielding sharp objects at them.
Last weekend a particularly annoying friend of my Mother’s asked me, "Are you excited?" I guess she posed this question because she could sense my unease. My anxiety. I wanted to say, "NO, you asswipe. NOT AT ALL. After five long barren and depressing years, countless medical procedures, spending close to $30 grand, finally doing IVF and now being pregnant with boy girl twins…NO I’m not excited AT ALLLLL." But I think I just gave her the trout stare and mumbled something about how yes, we are very excited.
At the last check with my Ob Gyn, I was almost sad I ‘just’ got to hear the heartbeats and didn’t get to see the babies on the ultrasound screen. But after this latest little jaunt to Anxiety Town, I’m not sure that the extra monitoring will give me more peace of mind. If they keep finding all of these potential issues, it has the chance of turning me into an even BIGGER freak and overall nervous wreck.
So I just have to evaluate what’s going to work for me. Will the monthly scans help me relax and believe that everything is fine, or will they keep coming up with these soft markers for one thing or another and I’ll be a total basket case for the next four months?
Chances are I WILL be a basket case, the question is, I guess: to what degree?
Thank you to everyone who commented, to those of you who have been through this and shared your stories with me and those of you who wished me and the babies the best, and to everyone keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.
It helps, let me tell you, it REALLY helps. I sent BeBop many of your comments so he could see that others have gone through something very similar and that so many awesome people are out there sending us good thoughts.
And there is some good news around these parts: We bought a house! And if all goes well, we close on August 10th and move at the end of the month. Yay! The babies will get their own room that isn’t also BeBop’s office filled with his computer equipment, monster-sized speakers and a glow-in-the-dark 60s style poster of Silver Surfer comic book artwork that I bought him, never thinking the monstrosity would end up in my home. Bosco will finally have a yard. Yay! And yes, BeBop is still lobbying for the outdoor litter box Zen garden (Boo!) and at this point I’ll probably let him do whatever he wants out there.
Gotta pick your battles, people, gotta pick your battles.
yeah i decided to forgo the extra monitoring, thinking it might just make me more paranoid. there is something nice about having the pregnancy treated like any other and not some special IVF case. at times i worry that maybe i should be checking in more often, but i know i can always get a scan if i need to.
congrats on the house! good luck with the outdoor litter box. i mean zen garden. it sounds lovely.
I can’t believe the ICEF is still getting you down, especially after PGD… Your docs are either nutcases or, at the very least, uninformed. ICEF as a soft marker is old, no longer relevant, news…
I wouldn’t count on it going away. In my case it didn’t, we just ignored it once we saw the heart scan was OK (despite the fact that I was almost 36, no one even recommended amnio & I didn’t do it).
Take it easy, you really deserve to enjoy this pregnancy!!!
i think just walking into a doctor’s office is stressful. i don’t know, i’ve never been pregnant, but i’m guessing i’d avoid any extra monitoring. Doctor’s are always on the look out for bad things. It’s not their job to ignore small things that prolly won’t amount to anything. In fact, it’s really just the opposite.
I, for one, say ignore them. At this point, i think you need a zen garden. (although, i think it will draw your mother to your house a little more often.)
I know what you mean about having wanted lots of monitoring, and I totally understand why that’s changing for you now. Who needs the anxiety? IMHO, if you can hear the two heartbeats, you’re good to go. Especially if asshat doctors keep raising random concerns.
Congrats on the house! I think the zen garden will do you some good. At the very least, it will bring some friends for Bosco to bark at.
Congrats on the house! Hoping the twins are just fine and wishing you had less interaction with jerk doctors.
I don’t have anything else to add really, just wanted to say I’m thinking about you and the two little ones, and hoping it is just fine.
Oh, about the litter box/zen garden – cats really do love to scratch around in sand. 😉
Congratulations on your new house! The zen garden can become a sand box with Tonka trucks and starfish pails in about a year anyway.
When I got pg with Junior #1, my friend said, “Congratulations! Now you will never stop worrying!” So true. I think you are right in that you just have to find a management plan for the level of anxiety.
BTW, Asswipe is one of my favorite bad words.
Congrats on the new house! I’m thinking of you and wishing you well on the house as well as your babies.
((HUGS))
I think it’s your job to worry, and when your perfectly healthy, beautiful B/G twins are delivered, you’ll worry about all sorts of new things… every sniffle, every cry you can’t console in 6 seconds or less, every eventual scraped knee, the first boyfriend/girlfriend they bring home (or worse… the first one they DON’T bring home!)… it’s your job. However, these soft markers are exactly that… they are SOFT markers. They don’t indicate a significant likelihood of anything, only that DS babies sometimes also exhibit these characteristics, but the thing is, so do NON-DS babies. And you’re forgetting the PGD factor which is a much stronger card on your side. No, PGD is not fool-proof, but it’s pretty close.
I do not know what to tell you about extra monitoring though. With the hellish week I’ve had, I’m all for getting doctors the hell out of my life (three ultrasounds last week for fuck’s sake!), except that obviously I need them in my life. I’m really tired of all the monitoring and a large part of me is just desperate to find out what a normal singleton pregnancy is like. (I said that to my doctor on Friday and he said, “Yeah, we don’t know what those are like either!”) However, I think BeBop is quite correct that if possible you need to find another office to do the ultrasounds at if you choose to continue with them. If you don’t wish to continue with them, no big deal… I know lots of twin moms who only got a couple of ultrasounds in their pregnancies and their babies were just fine.
Finally (sorry for the epic-length comment), congratulations on the house! Enjoy it. It should bring you much peace, health, and happiness. Zen garden and all.
Unfortunately, when you have lots of scans they have to point out every little possible issue they think they might find. I swear it drove me crazy. Sometimes I think I want another child just so I can try to have a stress free pregnancy by ignoring the doctors.
Congrats on the house!
it took several insensitive events at my docs before i finally decided to look elsewhere and hey, they aren’t all asswipes all of the time! i definitely have a fav: nicknamed the gentle giant or empathy doc.
congrats on the house and the twins (even though they come with a new set of built in anxiety)
I got here late, but in reading everyone else’s comments all I can say (without having been there yet ) is that I think that you have a right to worry, but these women are right, Soft markers are just that and the PGD makes things a lot clearer. I am going to go with the feeling that your babies are JUST FINE and that’s that. I refuse to accept anything else for you sweetie.
congrats on the house, that’s simply awesome news and will give you something to concentrate on (like where to put that Silver Surfer poster…) instead of worrying. Worry is normal of course, and there will a life’s worth of it once they are here too. I totally understand, just like you said, People ask “aren’t you excited/happy/etc” and all I want to do is say “can you come back in about 7 months and ask me that????? I could just go to sleep for those months and wake up in labor with 2 healthy babies”..alas life doesn’t work this way and it sucks.
I am thinking of you constantly, sending good thoughts West and just hoping you know I am here if you need me. No matter what.
*hugs*