You how sometimes good ideas are actually not good at all?
Like, say for example, you were going to be put to death during the French Revolution and you thought it would be a good idea to stop by the guillotine a few days early and get a little looksy at what was in store in for you?
Well, that’s how I felt this week when I attended the local parents of multiples meeting on a lunch break.
Three new moms stumbled in, each with a twin stroller so large it looked like they were pushing a mobile home. I am not kidding. Baby #1 reached the doorway approximately three minutes before his or her sister or brother and Mom entered the room about five minutes after that.
Just watching them finagle garbage-can sized diaper bags and detach the babies from the car seats that were attached to the aforementioned boat on wheels sent me into a panic attack.
And then?
And then they proceeded to talk about how sleep deprived they were, how they were ALL on anti-depressants, how hard breast feeding is, how one twin always wakes the other one up so NO ONE EVER, EVER gets any sleep and on and on…
One woman admitted to me that she attended exactly one of these meetings prior to giving birth, because it terrified her so much.
I tried to be social and ask a few questions, but I swear my heart was racing and I suddenly HAD to get out of there. I think I looked much like a deer caught in the headlights. (A very large deer with a huge protruding belly, but a creature practically frozen in fear, certain a painful death was imminent, nonetheless.)
I mean, it’s not like I think having twins will be easy. I guess I just don’t want to be confronted with the stark realities yet. Let me revel in denial a little longer, won’t you please?
After spending a total of three days with my sister after her baby was born, all my Mom can say is, "I don’t know HOW you’re going to do it" or "What will you do WITH TWO?!?" or the ever-helpful, "One is hard enough!!"
Needless to say, these remarks do not make me feel better.
My plan is to prepare as much as I can and then stumble through like a million other first-time moms of twins.
I ask you: Is this a good plan? Feel free to discuss amongst yourselves and get back to me.
I am currently living in my own little world, possibly not at all tied to reality, which often works well for me. Through my IVF cycle, I paid no attention whatsoever to statistics or probabilities based on this or that. I just assumed it would work and felt I would deal with any other outcome once it materialized.
I am sort of blindly following a similar path through pregnancy.
I am assuming I am not a high-risk pregnancy, even though I’m old as the hills (OH! Excuse me doctor, of advanced maternal age and you can kiss my advanced maternal ASS over that delightful term!); I am assuming I can push these babies out through my va-jay-jay and avoid a c-section; I am assuming I will be able to breast feed at least part of the time. I am also assuming I won’t have a nervous breakdown once I am faced with the realities of having two babies.
Some or all of these assumptions may prove to be very false, but I won’t know for a few more months. I’m just stumbling along as if I can prepare to some extent and the rest BeBop and I will have to figure out as we go along.
To that end, BeBop and I are attending our first baby classes this weekend.
Saturday will consist of three hours centered around breast feeding. I have to give myself props for even inviting the husband along, after he spent an entire hour in Babies R Us cracking himself up with crude jokes about the Breast Friend breast feeding pillow device ("I’ll be your breast friend…snort snort…" could be heard throughout the aisles I’m sure),
I’m sure it will be one of the breast things we did to prepare, filled with good information and nice mammeries that we’ll cherish for years to come. I just hope it isn’t too nippy in the room, because I hate to be cold. And I really hope BeBop can hold it together and isn’t a total boob. He usually tries to milk these types of situations for all they’re worth!
Okay. I’ll stop now.
No advice or anything, because…well, you know. But I just wanted to say “hi” and…um…yeah.
So, “Hi!”
Thanks for stopping by the blog and for the wise-ass comment. Just like old times, eh? Anyway, I hope all continues to go well (apart from the unavoidable deer-in-headlights moments) and I agree that anyone, doctor or otherwise, who thinks you’re of “advanced maternal age” can kiss your advanced maternal ass. Love that line. I plan to steal it. Consider yourself warned.
I love you, Watson. Your whole last paragraph has me in stitches.
You know, the best I can say is get some help for the 1st few weeks. I personally don’t have kids yet, but I know moms who say it is the best thing they ever did for themselves after having twins.
It doesn’t have to be lots of help – just a few hrs a few days a week – someone to let you get a min or two of sleep occasionally.
Hope that helps… I think you are totally on the right track btw – why scare yorself stupid over something that is inevitable and may not be too bad afterall. 🙂
As far as the “plan” goes – I say run with it. No matter how much you prepare it won’t matter. Don’t freak. I’m just saying, every child is different and you won’t know what is “right” for your precious gems until they are here. So, I say go with the flow and figure it out as you go along. You two are super smart and I’m sure you will do a wonderful job.
I second the idea about getting help the first week or so.
And don’t let the twin moms get you down. You and Bebop will figure it all out.
My best friend had twins and while she says she’s sleep-deprived, she says she doesn’t know what it’s like to have one kid so two is hard, oh well, she doesn’t know any difference. And the breastfeeding thing, she totally nailed. Five months later, she’s still feeding them both at the same time. You’ll get through – people just like to scare you. She said sooooo many people did that to her too.
I think the way you approached IVF is the same way you need to approach twins. There is no way to predict how it will be for you, and I’ve found that if I go into a situation without any real expectations, it seems to work out better. What one person may deem horrible another might find pleasant. I recently read an article that discussed venting, and how it can actually make things worse because people will tend to wallow in it, finding no solution for the problem and not moving on. A bunch of women sitting around and bitching without coming to any resolution just can’t be good for anyone. I can’t identify with them of course, but at the end of the day, no matter what, they have two beautiful, healty babies.
How bad can THAT be? 🙂
Ignorance is bliss I say.
Naysayers really piss me off. You know that some people whine and bitch just because they want other people to be miserable. Believe me, when you are sitting holding your two wee ones all will be right with the world. A friend that had twins after having two singletons said it was the same as one, only twice the smiles and laughs.You will do great.
I second what other people say. My twins were my first kids, so I don’t know any different. I’m not breastfeeding, but a lot of women do. Just figure out what works for you when the babies get here, and do your best. You’ll get through. The beginning is really tough, but I don’t think that has to do with how many you have, it more has to do with just adjusting to newborns in the house. Get as much help as you can, and def take it one day at a time. You’ll be great!
No no, it’s My BREST Friend–the spelling is what makes the name extra excruciating. Unfortunately the damned thing really does work, quite well, thus ensuring the perpetuation of the hideous name.
And yes, get help get help get help. Especially if you think your mom will be, uh, not quite compos mentis about the whole thing. Hiring a postpartum doula was a bit expensive but it was the best thing I could have possibly done for myself.
My sister had twins after IVF, and she says that having a schedule and being organized got her through. And you need to hear from women with older twins – the stories about how great twins are because they comfort one another, play together, love each other, entertain you with their interaction with one another…. how it can be easier than one because they always have a friend and playmate.
Don’t worry – a sense of humour will get a person through anything, and you seem well endowed in that category.
Hey, just found your blog and I’m glad I did! I am also pregnant with twins (17 weeks) after IVF, and I’ll be honest- was kind of scared after reading this post… I guess I live in denial-land, pretending that I’ll be able to breast feed and be a stupendous mom and then go back to work 6 weeks after giving birth… ha, ha? Coincidentally, I am also a twin, and my mom seemed to manage, so I convince myself that I will be fine as well. I’ll definitely be following along in your blog so I can see what to expect!
Watson…you are feeling all the normal stuff about having a baby. I agree with everyone-get some help..accept the help. I was very fortunate that I had my mom and MIL so I had someone to help me for the first 2 months(S was travelling and I was home alone a lot).
And as someone mentioned before, my friends who had twins said that they don’t know what it’s like to have one, so having twins was all they knew. And remember, it is okay to cry–but try to laugh it off also!!
Hahahaha!
I think that just going with it is really all you can do anyway. Don’t panic yourself…if the classes don’t help, don’t go.
Have “fun” at the breatfeeding class!
OK, Watson. Don’t panic. Yes the first 3 or 4 months ARE hard. But they are hard for ALL new parents.
All of the issues that the new mom’s at the multiples meeting were having problems with CAN be problems. But they aren’t always difficult. For example, I was not successful breastfeeding my twins beyond 3 months (and really only pumped prior to that). BUT, I NEVER had a problem with them waking each other up. I got them on a schedule, one woke and ate and I did the other stuff that was needed, then I woke the other and did the same thing. By 4 weeks we were getting a 4 or 5 hour stretch of sleep EACH night. If one would wake and cry for some reason, the other was so used to the “noise” that they didn’t even stir. This is true to this day (they will be 2 in 2 weeks and still share a room).
You will be OK. Enlist some help from friends and family for meal prep and laundry help etc. It may not be easy…. BUT we all have survived it. And some of us even go on to have more children! (Do you read AMAZING TRIPS? The story of a triplet mom who just had a miracle singleton…. I know I find it inspiring.
Hang in there.
DEMummie
You never know how it will be until you get there, no matter how much prep and info you get beforehand. I agree that having help at first will be a must, but I have complete confidence in both of you to be able to handle it all.
Hey! I have something interesting to add here! (A rarity). When I was in b-school, I met the creator of “My Brest Friend” when he came to my MBA class to talk about his experience. The guys is a freaking idiot, but has a fascinating life: was a mediocre male model in Milan for a bunch of years, shacked up with a major supermodel who wanted to marry him, and he said “no thanks, I need to prove to myself that I can make it on my own – I’m going to create a product and sell it”. He left supermodel girl, moved back to the states, and created my Brest Friend. Cool huh?
Dude… you’re going to be just fine. Everyone’s experience is different I’m sure. You want this and it’s going to be great. Take care and good luck!
I SO admire you that you are just going with the flow and accepting the outcome and dealing with it once you get there. I agree on getting help the first week or so of parenthood. It seems like everything goes that much better when the start goes off without too much of hitch.
ah, you know it will be hard but it will be GREAT too!
When the babies are born, we’re going to set up all these great IM sessions where I teach you how to do a double feed and get them both down at the same time 🙂 Complete with pictures. Seriously, a triplet mum did it for me so I’m happy to pass along anything I know.
Personally, I think that most people complain too much. Especially pregnant women and new moms. Of course there will be hard times. duh. we know that. we knew it for years while we were going through fertility treatments.
did these moms at your meetings go through IF to get their twins? Not scientific analysis – but I’m convinced that people who got pg the easy way complain a lot more than us IF veterans. They’ve had it too easy, and now they’re having to struggle a little, and they don’t know what to do with themselves.
My advice would be to stay away from those clubs. I think it’s a gathering place for people who like to complain. You’re strong – you will handle this like you handled the IF – one day at a time. You’ll do fine.
Hi – I have been lurking around your blog for a while – but just had to ‘come out’ on this one. I have twins after ivf and I have to say there is a little part of me that (honestly) feels a bit sorry when I hear someone is pregnant (yay!) but … with only one baby in there! I love having twins. I tandem fed them – the rare days that I got the schedules mixed up and tried to single feed – YUK – you wouldn’t think it but man sitting on the couch ALL day ‘feeding’ is absolutely exhausting. Mine are nearly 3, share a room and rarely wake each other up. I got organised pretty early, in some ways it meant that I couldn’t do that over the top protectiveness thing that some of us ‘older’ (is it primagravada?) mums do – if someone wanted to hold a baby – GO FOR IT!!! Take Two I still say. We did have one ‘Twins’ book – we called it the ‘scary book’ and rarely opened it – quite frankly – it is pretty much like any baby – but you happen to have 2. Not quite twice the work but definitely twice the fun – or ‘double happiness’ as one of my Chinese colleagues so aptly described it. She was spot on – I hope that you are enjoying every moment of this pregnancy. One of my twins caused me a lot of grief, was eventually born with DS and I so much regret the fact that I let it ‘worry’ me and ruin what will (probably, unfortunately) be my last pregnancy. SO especially when everything is going right and you have two beautiful babies growing – relax and enjoy it – they are amazing and wonderful – and watching them grow should be enjoyed, absolutely. Lots of luck with evrything!
Back off the ledge, Watson, I promise it’s not THAT bad! My pregnancy was a little bit difficult, and I had a C-section and some initial troubles with delayed milk supply and jaundice, but it was relatively smooth sailing after that. Admittedly, most twin moms tend to supplement in the early weeks or months, but it is very possible to breastfeed partially or fully if it’s important to you, and it was a very healing thing for me after IF.
A word about the BF classes at the Big Baby Store: the quality of these is uneven, to say the least. I have heard of moms being given really appalling advice, so don’t take things as gospel just because you heard it there. Even if it’s generally sound, some things are a little different with twins, especially equipment and scheduling — you may want to consider an EZ-2-Nurse pillow rather than a Brest Friend, for example, and completely disregard their advice about pumps. (Make sure you get the Medela Pump-In-Style or prepare to rent a hospital-grade pump, because nothing else is heavy-duty enough to support the frequent pumping necessary to really establish your milk supply.)
By all means, go to the class, but I would also strongly suggest going to your local La Leche League meeting, and ordering a copy of Karen Gromada’s _Mothering Multiples_. Emmie has a compilation of fantastic advice over at Better Make It a Double, too. All of those things were really helpful to me, and I’m about to reach my one-year nursing goal!
Oh, and look into a double Snap N’ Go stroller frame — you’ll eventually want one of the big DuoGlider types, but the Snap N’ Go is much easier to wrestle when they’re still in the infant seats. Check out the TwinStuff forums for lots of stroller talk — it’s a popular subject among twin moms, because it’s such an essential piece of equipment for us.
My diaper bag solution was to have a smallish backpack-type bag to carry the essentials, with a backup bag in the car full of diapers, wipes, and outfits (including a change of shirt for you). Nursing helps here too — no formula to carry!
um sweetie..you’re scaring the CRAP out of me and at 15 weeks I am , too, living in my own little world of “everything is going to be ok…I mean it’s only 2 babies” Sometimes when I let that sink in I actually have to hold my head it hurts so much.
You crack me up…and for that my dear, I love love love ya.
*hug*
hahahaha!! well i know a mom who has TWO sets of twins and she seems to have mostly survived. when the second set were en route and people asked her how she was going to manage two MORE, she smiled and said it’s all i know. it’s my normal. and she maintained that afterwards too. not sure if she was just putting on a good face, but really if you’ve only ever had twins, i doubt it seems that much more insane than one. maybe?
Dude, don’t let people scare you with their war stories. Sure, I only have one, but I don’t know any different. I can tell you that yes one is hard, BUT, we all fly by the seat of our pants in regards to parenthood.
All you’ll ever know is having two. It’ll all work out.
Oh, you poor thing. That sounds so scary! The only thing i have to add…is that every freakin’ baby shower i’ve been too (1,000-1,500?) all.of.the.moms. show up just to freak out the poor pregnant lady. It’s hazing for pregnant women. It’s what we do and what they were doing to you.
This will sound catty, blame it on the Lupron, but a lot of people are bad at a lot of things…and 99% of the time, they could be better if they tried.
I mean, will it be tough at first, sure but it will be manageable. I mean, You’re the person who tries…you’re the girl who made a freakin’ chart for your IVF, for christsakes.
OMG i do sound catty…ok, foot in mouth, what i meant was that a lot of people just accept things as they are instead of creating tools to make them work, that’s all.
like me, everyday, i throw my suits on the floor b/c i like to act like a guerilla. This is too bad b/c if I merely hung up my suit, my dry cleaning bill wouldn’t be so much.
So, i think it will be unbelievably tough, but you’ve got the skills to create systems to make it work.
I’m just sending you wishes for good sleepers.
From 6 weeks on, my baby (only one, but still) has been consistently sleeping 6-8 hours a night.
If your twins do that, you’ll find you can manage just fine.
So… best wishes for good sleepers.